Interviewer: And what is your name?
Leader: Bryant White.
Interviewer: What is your occupation?
Leader: Priest.
Interviewer: And what exactly are you known for?
Leader: I am known for being the, uhh, the head pastor at the Church of the Holy Apostles in Iron Horse.
Interviewer: What makes it so famous?
Leader: We predict that the world will end on January 1st, 2000.
Interviewer: And this is unrelated to the general ‘Y2K’ conspiracy floating around on the news right now?
Leader: We believe that Y2K is a distraction from the true issue at hand.
Interviewer: And what exactly is that issue?
Leader: On January 1st, 2000, around 15 minutes after midnight, all nuclear bombs will be simultaneously and purposefully released, causing the true end of the world.
Interviewer: What brings you to that conclusion?
Leader: The Bible has predicted His forthcoming for years upon years. It’ll have been 2000 years since the birth of Christ. The Earth has been preparing for it, you know?
Interviewer: I do not. Would you like to elaborate?
Leader: Well, uh, the Gulf War, that- it seals the first part of the Book of Revelation. It starts bringing around the Antichrist.
Interviewer: Anyone in particular that you can point to?
Leader: The people in power. You know the ones.
Interviewer: I do not. Hussein? Clinton? Kim Jong Il?
Leader: All of them. They’re all warriors of the devil. Especially those commies—you wish you knew the extent of it.
Interviewer: What led you to that conclusion?
Leader: They work for oil, and the higher government, and not the people, but the people still love them. They’re all deeply unholy people with no other goal than to keep power and things in order.
Interviewer: Higher government?
Leader: Well, yes, of course, they’ve all signed contracts with the devil, and the shadow, the shadow government, it’s full of the demons under him who do his bidding. They’re there—they’re there to keep it running.
Interviewer: How did you find out about this?
Leader: In Iron Horse, we do a lot of Bible study. When reading the Book of Revelation, you hear a lot about beasts. These beasts supposedly represent the Antichrist.
Interviewer: Of course, yes, I remember that much.
Leader: But more importantly, there are the lambs with the redeemed. There are not 144,000 of us yet, but we believe that there will be soon.
Interviewer: Is that why you decided to take this interview?
Leader: Part of it, yes. We’ve also been putting up many ads in the newspaper to get this out to the world.
Interviewer: Will the newspaper not fall out of style, though? The internet has felt quite promising as a competitor to the physical market, at least, according to investors.
Leader: Well yes, which is why we’ve also begun to keep a website up with a basic amount of information on it.
Interviewer: Interesting. I’ve heard that you have also done various television and radio advertisements in the greater Midwest area. How have you been able to find the money for this?
Leader: I don’t think that I’m allowed to disclose that for the sake of our members.
Interviewer: Alright then. I believe that you have spoken about an underground shelter in preparation for the apocalypse. Could you elaborate on that?
Leader: It’s surprisingly vast. I don’t think that many people realize how many rooms it has, how many people it can fit. It's meant to last long, give people the life they need until we can come out.
Interviewer: And how long of a wait do you expect that to be?
Leader: A five year minimum is likely. Once the nonbelievers die out, I think we’ll be good. We’ll be safe.
Interviewer: And where will the nonbelievers go?
Leader: Purgatory. Really, most of them haven’t done much wrong other than not believing in our one true God.
Interviewer: Is it a bad punishment that these people deserve?
Leader: The agony will likely be unbearable in the moment, but it was truly an avoidable fate that they had. It’s a shame, really.
Interviewer: What could they have done?
Leader: Convert, repent. Those two things are the first steps to survival.
Interviewer: And what do you want from followers?
Leader: Belief. Trust.
Interviewer: And what will you all do if the world doesn’t end?
Leader: Maybe not the entire world’s, but ours certainly will.